Yesterday I also shared Happy Diwali wishes, the Hindu holiday of thanksgiving as well as the lights festival, in importance comparable to our Western Christmas tradition. Symbolizing the victory of Good over Evil (very simply put, really - it's more the victory of knowledge and wisdom over ignorance and indifference) and meant to strengthen our inner light known as Atman, I thought about it as a nice symbol of recharging with positivity, despite the often sad-looking and gloomy November days.
I am currently learning a lesson of having to deal with something that's gnawing at me, hurting inside and that made me lose sleep tonight, too...
Actually, it's like so very often in life, that only a few words can trigger pain - even though they weren't meant to (of which I'm sure). But they can carry an underlying meaning which hurts.
I know, it's no good dwelling in the past, especially when there are sad memories connected with it. But in this case, I feel it's necessary to elaborate a little on what went on back then...
A dear friend of mine is currently having a great time. A very good thing, since she had to fight several mishaps and hard decisions in the near past and now is on a good way to get things done the way she wants them to happen. Since she is and always will be one of the few persons dwelling in my heart, I wish her all the best in her life and also include her in my good wishes when drawing my positive vibes and good energy from around me. I have known her for almost thirty years now. We became friends back then and the friendship turned into us becoming soulmates, with me listening to her, acting like a "soul trash bin", by listening to her when she was troubled and needed an open ear (with a heart behind it) as well as someone to load her troubles onto and draw strength from it. And eventually, we became lovers, too.
The fact, that this was what mainstream would call "high school love" does not diminish it, in my opinion, for we had something really deep going on and even were about to make plans for a future together... after graduation, though, life decided to put that to a real test, since my parents had decided to move away from my home town, after my father had retired. Having had worked in a coal mine for more than thirty years had damaged his health and his restlessness when engaging in the causes he was active in (such as peace movement, anti-fascism and migrants rights work) resulted in him having his first cardiac. So, my parents had sought out a place with cleaner air and being more peaceful than the margins of the large industrial Ruhr area. Facing my draft into the armed forces, not having a job or a finished professional training (I was just a high school graduate, after all), and my parents not being really rich or the like, I did not have the option to stay behind, and stay close to my love.
On the day we moved and arrived at my parents' new home (theirs - not mine! My home was elsewhere!), I had a nervous breakdown, collapsing in tears, since only then it hit me, what and whom I just had left. And only three days later, I was to report for duty...
I was not prepared, as it turned out, in how far that tour of duty in the air force changed my personality (not for the better, as you might guess). In order to keep myself sane and safe from the schizophreny of that military machinery, I developed a sort of emotional callous, thereby also blocking out finer nuances and messages I received from my lovemate. That was the time when I allowed - unknowingly, unintentionally - to drift apart from her. Furthermore, the spacial distance made it even harder to maintain the closeness we had initially... and when something bad happened to her, I only fully realized the meaning and depth of it, after my tour of duty was over and I had moved back to my home region to start college. Yes, I did go back, mainly to pick up the loose end of the rope tieing our hearts together. But after a short while, I found out, that the rope was tattered, worn-out and about to tear.
We decided, that it was the best to end our relationship and to stay in touch. "Let's stay friends..." is another of those typical sentences people say - and very often don't mean it. Since we did not split up in a war of roses or out of aggression, it was something we both could mean and would do. Our lives went on different roads from then on. Of course, I was heartbroken for quite a while, but then began my healing process, which has been going on until today.
Actually, I was having a great time at her wedding party to which she invited me, meeting her husband (who is a childhood friend of hers) and wishing them both well. She deserves a happy life, and currently she is doing what she wants to do - in her private as well as professional life. I wish her all the best, no doubt.
We still meet occasionally in our home town for having coffee or hot chocolate in our favourite café, take (barefoot) walks together in the park, chat and laugh, then part with a hug, wishing each other well until next time. And, yes, we are in touch on the data highway, too, being Facebook friends and exchanging messages.
And since life is treating her really well at the moment, her status messages sometimes are bubbly and happy, too. When reading her status message from last Sunday "I'm so happy with and proud of my hardworking husband", I grinned, hit the "Like" button and thought that it's really going great with her moving into new rooms with her oriental dance school and studio by the beginning of next year. And hitting "Like" was honest, too. I like knowing that she's happy. More than that, in fact: I care!
Other friends of hers commented on it by stating that they're a little envious but also happy for her. All in all, a happy exchange. Then she commented, that not everyone can claim to be happy with and proud about their partner... she has known people experiencing failures, really putting their foot in it. She then wrote: "I was just fortunate to have picked the right one right away...".
And this comment was, what has been gnawing at me... She has found her right partner, she's happy with him, she's proud of him, they're facing life (all of it and what it might hurl at them) together. Wonderful, no doubt about it. But those two words "right away" stung me... They still do, in fact, for it feels to me, as if she has now totally dismissed what she and I once had. Even if it was unintentional (of which I'm sure), it hurts.
Yeah, yeah, I know... there are times to let go of memories, of love turning from the passionate, we-will-always-be-together and romantic kind to a steadier feeling of compassion, caring and friendship. It certainly has done so for me and my feelings for her... but still: I will never let go of the good and sweet memories of the time we had together. Those are and always will be engraved in my memory.
Perhaps the pangs of pain I'm feeling now are merely proof of how much she indeed dwells in my heart still... actually, I feel that that's a good thing, for I would never want that feeling to become any weaker.
One might now ask: Do I still love her?
Silly question, really! If you read all of the above, you'd know that that's rhetorical.
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