Mittwoch, 26. Juni 2013

Yay! My personal crisis and breakdown anniversary is coming up!

Beautiful, isn't it? Typically scenic Germany beautiful... Picture postcard beautiful... Makes me want to puke beautiful! This is Bad Königshofen im Grabfeld (that translates literally as: "on the graveyard"... and it's about as lively as the name suggests!). And it's the one place in Germany where I'll never set foot onto again - despite my father being buried there.

It was this place, my parents had chosen as their retirement abode. They had consulted a map of Germany indicating immission data, for living in a less polluted area than our native Ruhr Area. Plans were made to move, as soon as I had graduated from high school. And that was planned to happen on my elder brother's 30th birthday, on June 27, 1987. Well, that birthday has lost the largest part of its charm since then. And, for more recent reasons, it has lost all of its charm altogether, and I haven't been in contact with him for about six years now. But that's a different story.

On the evening of that day, after arriving at my parents' new apartment, about 500 kilometers away from where I grew up, unloading and setting up the first items of furniture and boxes of stuff from the rented truck, crisis and breakdown happened to me. The oh-so-happy mood of the my brother's then wife (now an ex-wife), of my parents and my brother caved in on me, as I was sitting in a place not just worlds apart from where I used to live, from where my roots were, from the place I called home, but (and that was the main reason for my nervous breakdown) separate from the woman I loved.

She and I had become friends, as soon as she stepped into the classroom at my high school, attending a cooperative course shared with another high school in town. She made quite an impression on me, but it took more than a year, until we came together as more than just friends. That was in the disaster-laden year of 1986 (the two most famous disasters being the explosions of space shuttle "Challenger" in January and - with more effect on our personal lives - of the nuclear power plant in Chernobyl in April). Do I hear someone sigh "Ahh, young love...!" and smile nostalgically? True, we both were young, but still, I felt that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. So typical, so cliché, so mainstream, isn't it? Staying together with your high school love...

Therefore, when it dawned on me, that I would be apart from her for at least fifteen months (the duration of my compulsory Air Force tour of duty - it used to be compulsory and that long back then) , I couldn't stand it, yelled at my family to give me room to be alone. When it was time to go to bed, I rolled myself up to a fetal position and cried myself to exhaustion, waking up next morning feeling tired and hollow.

Three days later, I was still suffering from the aftermath of my nervous breakdown. July 1, 1987 was the day when I embarked to begin the tour of duty, which had detrimental effects on my personality, as I developed an emotional callus in order to fight the insanity of the whole military apparatus. I wore masks, feigning to feel alright, while inside, I was still in pain for being apart from my roots and my beloved. We wrote letters to each other, talked on the phone, but it wasn't the same. And even meeting once, during a short leave I had, felt like we had been apart in more than just distance. Still, I clung to my dream of being together with her again, as soon as my military service was over. My plans and dreams were to begin college studies to graduate as a teacher, and eventually shape a life together.

It turned out differently, of course. We decided to split a while after I had returned, she later married a childhood friend of hers and has since then pursued her career as an oriental dancer and successful dance teacher, leading her own dance school and studio until today. She's doing fine, she's happy with her current life and I wish her all the best. We're still friends, and she values me as one of the dearest persons in her life. That feeling's definitely mutual, too...

So, what is now making me feel miserable enough to lose hours of sleep and weep bitter tears about things long past now? First of all, it's the anniversary of that day creeping up on me. For me, June 27 has lost its charm since 1987. Secondly, the current cool spell with grey skies and temperatures more typical of October than June are adding a note of Summer Blues, too. In that respect, it's quite similar to the Winter Blues I had in February (I described it in this post, earlier this year). Thirdly, it's her posting a nostalgia picture of her standing next to her then boyfriend's and now husband's old car (an ugly, box-shaped late 1980s Audi... at some point, cars became ugly on terms of design), with her captioning it: "The car is gone, but the man is still with me...". Like I wrote, I wish her all the best and I don't begrudge her the life she's living now. And this picture is only the smallest piece of this puzzle.

One larger piece is what she told me, when we were last discussing the past by mail, several months ago. It seems, that we had indeed communication problems back when I moved away from home with my parents, although we kept in touch by letter and phone. She thought, that in fact we had already split up on that very day when I left my home town, on June 27, 1987. I, however, still clung to my plans and dreams and my decision to get back into my home region was not based on returning into Ruhr Area for its scenic qualities... I wanted to return to her and be with her.

So, now considering her sentiment and thoughts about when we broke up, I cannot help but feel as if my life from October 1988 on was merely based on shattered hopes and false dreams. I don't blame her. Not at all and never! But, to be honest, it makes tomorrow feel like the grim anniversary of "Flush Your Dreams Down The Drain & Let Life Trample Over Your Heart Day"! And even though I don't regret how my life has unfolded, for quite many events and people in my life have left wonderful impressions, I cannot help that feeling of failure and the grief based on that. It's all too easy to quote those "let go" and "leave the past behind" epigrams... Doing so is much harder than you think.

Dienstag, 18. Juni 2013

100 Dezibel und 150 bpm.... auf Dauer ungesund!

Wer das immer noch nicht glaubt, braucht nur zu lesen, was DJane Marusha am vergangenen Samstag in einem Interview der seriös aussehenden Springer-Presse ("Die Welt") zum besten gab...

Unter der Schlagzeile "Angela Merkel läßt mich ruhig schlafen" gibt die Plattentellerwäscherin ihre ganz persönliche Wahlempfehlung ab: "Wählt schwarz-grün!"

Zitat aus dem Interview: "Die Bausparermentalität, wie sie Angela Merkel an den Tag legt, ist die Kultur unserer Wertegesellschaft." Ja, klar, damit ist der aktuelle Werbesport der LBS auch nichts anderes als heimliche Wahlwerbung für die CDU! Pfui!

Allerdings knüpft Marusha ihre Wahlempfehlung nicht an die Partei, sondern klar an die Person Angela Merkel:

"Die Welt: Und wenn Merkel in der SPD wäre?
Marusha: Dann würde ich SPD wählen."

Immerhin: damit gibt sie der vorherrschenden Meinung der Austauschbarkeit der Programme unserer sogenannten "Volksparteien" recht. Es ist bei den aktuell etablierten Parteien (zu denen die Union, die SPD, die FDP und auch die Grünen gehören) völlig Wumpe, wo das Kreuz gemacht wird. Abgesehen von kleinen Schlaglichtern sind die allgemeinen Inhalte der großen Vier vollkommen austauschbar. 

Und dann der Schlußsatz, mit dem sie unsere Mutti zur Deponie erhebt: "Angela Merkel leuchtet durch ihre Aura. Sie strahlt stärker als Gorleben." Hach, ist das geil. Marusha gibt an, nie Drogen genommen zu haben. Also so kann sich naturstoned auch äußern. Interessant... und auch ein wenig erschreckend.

Ich hätte ja bei solchen Sätzen eher auf Spätfolgen diverser psychoaktiver Substanzen getippt - und Helge Schneider gibt mir im Angesicht dieser Äußerungen Recht, wenn er singt "Marijuana ist nicht gut!" Es handelt sich aber hier wohl doch eher um die Folgen von Lärm mit jeweils mindestens 100 Dezibel und 150 beats per minute.

"Marusha:(...) Angela Merkel ist nicht Harry Potter, sie kann nicht zaubern. Aber sie lässt mich ruhig schlafen.
Die Welt: Mutti Merkel.
Marusha: Sie hat 80 Millionen Kinder. Sie ist gut zu allen."

Na, vielen Dank auch. Es reicht wohl nicht, dass ich mir nicht aussuchen kann, aus welchem Teil des Genpools ich gelöffelt und auf die Welt gekippt wurde. Nein, jetzt werde ich auch noch zwangsadoptiert. Nee, danke, möchte ich nicht haben. "Tu mal lieber die Möhrchen!"

Übrigens: Sehr lesenswert ist auch, was der Mann mit der Frisur (auch bekannt unter dem Namen Sascha Lobo) in seinem Blog zum Marusha-Interview schrieb:

Montag, 17. Juni 2013

What this world and its people need...

Love and Peace vibes

Of course, these are "typical hippie" feelings what this world might need right now... but, nevertheless, it's the truth. Looking at what is going on in the world currently, lots of healing and loving energies are needed at the moment...

The civil war in Syria is going on, fueled also by the actions and/or inactivity of the super powers...

Genocide in West Papua continues, mostly unnoticed by mainstream media...

West Papuan natives - victims to Indonesian occupation for about 50 years now...
Here's an information resource on what is happening in West Papua since the Indonesian occupation began:

A government that claims to be democratic is clubbing, tear-gassing and killing peaceful protesters. The last chapter so far was riot police forcefully and violently clearing Gezi Park in Istanbul and blocking the park...

Volunteers and professional helpers are still fighting the aftermath of the cataclysmic rains leading to the floods in south-east and east Germany... while politicians are again making their appearances in those regions to offer their supplies of pre-formulated platitudes and hollow promises... it's only about 100 days to the federal parliament general election, after all, and all politicians are doing their best to ensure their success. Catastrophes like this year's flood are a great help in that, too... In 2002, Chancellor Gerhard Schröder (social democrat party) did the same - travelling to the people, standing on dams, being out there with the people - and that helped him to get re-elected. Quite many people said, that the flood washed him back into power.

Seeing our Federal Mom, Chancellor Merkel, fly over the disaster areas reminded me a lot of other German politicians who flew around for propaganda reasons in times of disaster...

OK, granted, our Federal Mom isn't the "Führer", and we're still living in a democracy... I mean, we do, don't we? We still can express ourselves without having to be afraid that anyone might interpret what we write, like, share or post on the internet as subversive or even terrorist, right?

Rhetoric questions, really, after coming to know, that the so-called National "Security" Agency (NSA) has left home to spy on people world-wide, who happen to use internet services housed on servers in the United States (yes, that includes this very blog, my YouTube account, since both are part of the Googleverse, and my Facebook and Twitter accounts, too).

Of course, all of this is happening for all of our safety and to stop terrorism, right? The NSA is only watching the really evil countries closely, right? Well, let's take a look at the NSA's own version of Google Maps, showing on a "heat map", how intensely different nations were watched within the "Prism" programme:

The map shows the levels of surveillance, ranging from dark green (lowest) to red (highest). Yellow is at the middle of the scale, and the nations watched for anti-terror reasons to that extent are evil empires such Iraq, China, the United States of America and Germany. Germany? Yes, indeed... this is what we get for hosting urban development and planning students with a keen interest in aviation, such as Mohammed Atta. For those of you, who don't remember the name: he was one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, which was the first plane to hit the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.

And what is happening now? Instead of apologizing for listening in on any internet traffic and/or telephone conversation using certain links and containing special key words, the US officials are now on the hunt for the whistleblower who dared to open Pandora's Box of international espionage. Seeing how Bradley Manning has been treated so far for unmasking atrocities and inhumane acts during the so-called "war on terror", I doubt very much, that Edward Snowden can expect a fair trial.

An ironic coincidence: Since the NSA's global surveillance of internet and telephone traffic went public, Amazon's sales figures of George Orwell's novel "1984" went up by 337 per cent... OK, that might also be due to the 64th anniversary of its first publication on June 8, 1949.

British first edition cover, 1949

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world, as the title of a classic screwball comedy movie suggests... and, since the movie is all about greed driving people crazy, it's still true, when it comes to our "civilized" society's behaviour. It's greed for wealth, resources and power turning the wheels of the madness machine that rolls over our planet, leaving death and destruction behind. There are still places in this world where people gather to throw a wrench in the works of that machine, be it by protesting aloud or doing their work silently, by prayer, meditation and sending out positive vibes.

I've done both and currently I am doing what other people might call "naive" or "childish" by meditating and sending out the excess positivity I gather from Mama Earth on a daily basis. I know that I am not alone doing this and I still have hope that this will help in healing at least a part of the world.